A dead man's letter
by Lorelei Candice Black
Summary: Killian knows he can't escape his death this time and that there is no warning Emma before IT happens so he decides to write her a letter and leave it in his room at Granny's, on top of his belongings, presented in a neat pile on top of his bed. Emma's reaction to the letter now added.
1. Killian's letter

**_A dead man's letter_**

_Once upon a time_

_Emma / Killian_

_Killian knows he can't escape his death this time and that there is no warning Emma before IT happens so he decides to write her a letter and leave it in his room at Granny's, on top of his belongings, presented in a neat pile on top of his bed._

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><p>"Emma,<p>

I know that you must be mad at me right now. I lied to you. I told you that I was survivor and yet here I am, dead.

At least I probably am by the time you read this letter. Maybe the pirate in me was the survivor, maybe the man I became isn't... It doesn't matter, I'd rather die than see you get hurt and I died a happy man because I met you and got to have you in my life, to hold you in my arms and to believe, at least once, that I did something to deserve to have you.

I'm sorry, I couldn't warn you before it happened.

Rumpelstiltskin took my heart and is going to crush it in an attempt to get rid of the hold the dagger has on him. He'll leave town with Belle and your son as soon as this is done.

I know how much you love your son and I don't know if magic will work where The Dark One is taking him so I stole one of your little tracking devices at the Sheriff's station and plan on hiding it on Henry before I'm killed. I hope it'll help you get him back. We both know that Henry will be safe with his grandfather, but we also know that he won't be himself. The Dark One will play with his mind to mold him into who he wants him to be, to believe what he wants Henry to believe.

I love you Emma and I think I've been slowly falling in love with you from the moment I first saw you (remember, when you held the knife at my throat). You're beautiful, smart, full of light and truly magical to be around (I'm not talking of your actual magic here, love, but of that little something special that makes you a remarkable woman).

I've seen in your eyes that you can feel something is wrong with me lately, and I understand that saving the town from the Snow Queen's evil curse was more important than anything else, I truly do. I wish I could have found a way to warn you before it was too late but it's impossible... Rumpelstiltskin would have killed you without a second thought and I couldn't let that happen.

Even if he manages to get rid of his dagger and to leave town, I got his word that he won't hurt you or anyone else in Storybrook, as long as you don't cross him. If you do cross him, because we both know that you won't let him get away with Henry and do his evil on the rest of the world, the only way you'll get to him is by using Neal, his son, against him (maybe also by threatening Bell's life, but I doubt it's your style, even I wouldn't do it now).

When you tried to get rid of your magic, Rumpelstiltskin was going to suck you in a magical hat that he's going to use to get what he wants: get rid of his dagger. I tried to warn you, left you messages on your talking phone but he took it, held me back, took my heart and ordered me around.

You need to know that I'm responsible for what happened to the fairies at Granny's. He forced me to suck them all in the hat. I truly didn't want to Emma, I swear it... I've tried to resist, to find loopholes in what he asked of me...

When the curse of shattered sights fell over the town, I wasn't touched because he held my heart. He asked me to get your son and bring Henry to him... I managed to resist, let Henry escape when I could have caught him... I don't think I'll be able to do it this time but I'll try, for you.

Everything started when I went to get my hand back...

I wanted to be whole for you, to be able to hold you with both of my hands, to be a better man for you and I told the Dark One that I knew he had given Belle a fake dagger, that if he didn't give me my hand back, I'd tell her that she had a fake and he gave it back to me, telling me that my hand still had darkness in it... It was a lie of course but I let him get to me and convince me that it was true... I got scared I would end up hurting you because of my selfish desire to have my hand back... Maybe if I had stayed away, he wouldn't have caught me but he said he needed the heart of someone who knew him before he had the dagger so maybe my fate was inevitable after all. I don't think anyone else from that time is still alive...

The last thing I want is to leave you Emma, you've made me a happy man. The happiest I've been in my life. You're the first woman in my entire life who made me wish for a normal, simpler life. The first to make me want to stop being a pirate and go back to the man I used to be.

A house, kids, maybe even a dog and a white fence...

I wanted this with you and I think you did too. I could almost see it in my head...

I'm sorry you won't be able to get it with me, but hopefully you will get it with someone else.

You will move on and because you're extraordinary, you will be loved again.

I was lucky to know you and to have you in my life, even for a short while. My last thoughts will go to you and if there is a way for me to escape my fate without risking anyone else's life, I will find it. You have my word. But if it comes to me dying or you, or someone else you care about, I'll die.

I hope this letter will answer your questions about how and why I was killed. Maybe it will help sooth your pain. Everything I own is yours now.

I bought a small boat a few days ago and started working on it. Smee will be able to tell you where it is and help you finish the work on it. It's Henry's now. I know he'll enjoy it. The _Sailing Swan_ might not be as big or as magical as the Jolly Roger was, but it's just as important to me. I was going to surprise you with it when it's finished by taking you and Henry on a little sailing trip... The two of you will have to do that without me now.

If I have a last request to ask of you Emma, it's just this one:

Please don't shut yourself down again. Be open for a new love opportunity, because I know you will have others.

I'd hate for you to stay alone and heartbroken because of me.

Heal. Live. Love.

I love you Emma.

I always will.

Killian Jones."

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><p><strong>So, I'm publishing this right before the mid-season finale. I don't know what you'll think of it. This wasn't planned... It's an improvised addition to my 12 days of Christmas stories... Well, you'll just have more stories on Christmas day!<strong>

**I hope you liked it. **

**A little review please?**

**Lorelei Candice Black**


	2. Emma's reaction to the letter

**_A dead man's letter_**

**_Emma's reaction_**

_Some of you asked me to write Emma's reaction to reading the letter, so here it is. _

_Thank you for the feedback on the letter. I'm glad you liked it. For the information, I cried while writing it... and I teared up all the 3 times I proof read it. I'm not ashamed of it._

_Takes place after Emma leaves Regina and Henry in the Author's library._

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><p>Emma was walking towards Granny's dinner, hoping to be able to spend more time with Killian. She had left him after their passionate kiss earlier because she felt Regina needed her, and she knew he understood that but now, Regina and Henry were back home, resting and planning to go back to the house the next day to go through it.<p>

"Hey Ruby, is Killian still here?" Emma asked her mother's best friend when she walked in.

"No, he left shortly after you and Regina did." Ruby replied before she hurried to take an order.

"Oh, thanks." Emma replied as she took her phone out and called her pirate.

"I thought you'd spend more time with Regina, Love. Miss me too much?" Killian said as soon as he answered the phone.

"Henry found a clue towards her happy ending so now they're at home, resting and planning on what to do next. Where are you?" She asked him as she made her way to his bedroom.

"I went to take a walk on the docks. I can come back if you want..." He offered.

"I'd like that, I'll wait for you in your room?" She asked.

"Why Miss Swan... isn't that a bit forward for a princess like you?" He asked jokingly.

"Well, I'd usually wait for you in the dinner but it's packed tonight, there's no seats left..." She replied.

"Don't worry Emma, you know you're welcome inside. I have nothing to hide from you. Make yourself comfortable, I'll be there in less than 10 minutes." He replied before they both hung up.

Of course Emma didn't have Killian's key but she knew how to open a lock without using one. As soon as the door opened, Emma took a big breath in with a smile, recognizing Killian's distinctive scent all around her. It was masculine, it was the sea and freedom and love... She smiled and, leaving the door slightly open, she made her way to the little desk and sat on the chair.

She almost lost him, she could have never breathed in his distinctive and lovely scent any more. He could have been gone by now.

Looking around the room, she noticed his old long black leather jacket hanging and smiled. She liked the new jacket of course but she missed the old one too. She was about to go and look at it closer, maybe even try it on, when something caught her eye on the desk. It was a folded piece of white paper with her name written on it.

Emma hadn't seen Killian's handwriting often but she knew it was his. It was masculine and elegant at the same time. Curious, she opened it.

_"Emma,_

_I know that you must be mad at me right now. I lied to you. I told you that I was survivor and yet here I am, dead."_

She knew that Killian had written this when he thought he was going to die, earlier that day or maybe even a few days ago. It wasn't relevant anymore and she knew that she shouldn't read it but she couldn't help it. She wanted to know what his last words to her would have been. She was curious.

_"At least I probably am by the time you read this letter."_

She would probably have found the letter the next day, after not hearing from him, she would have come here and found the letter. She would have blamed herself for not checking in on him sooner, and she would have been mad at him, but it would have quickly been overruled by her sadness.

_"Maybe the pirate in me was the survivor, maybe the man I became isn't... It doesn't matter, I'd rather die than see you get hurt and I know I'll die a happy man because I met you and got to have you in my life, to hold you in my arms and to believe, at least once, that I did something to deserve to have you."_

Emma shook her head. The way Killian saw her unsettled her sometimes. He always founds way to make her feel special, sometimes with just a look. He might think he was the lucky one to have her, but she believed she was lucky to have him as well.

_"I'm sorry, I couldn't warn you before it happened."_

She thought back to earlier that day, at Granny's when his hand grabbed her wrist tightly. He was trying to resist, to tell her that something wasn't right, that her instincts where right. She should have known sooner. The way he spoke to her, the way he looked at her... It hadn't been him. She had felt it but she was so focused on Elsa at that moment...

_"Rumpelstiltskin took my heart and is going to crush it in an attempt to get rid of the hold the dagger has on him. He'll leave town with Belle and your son as soon as this is done."_

They were all thankful to Belle for saving the day. She had wanted to be alone for the time being but Emma knew that she'd need support in the coming days. She loved Gold after all and Emma knew that if the same thing had happened to her, with Hook turning evil and having to be banned from the town, she would be devastated.

_"I know how much you love your son and I don't know if magic will work where The Dark One is taking him so I stole one of your little tracking devices at the Sheriff's station and plan on hiding it on Henry before I'm killed. I hope it'll help you get him back. We both know that Henry will be safe with his grandfather, but we also know that he won't be himself. The Dark One will play with his mind to mold him into who he wants him to be, to believe what he wants Henry to believe."_

She smiled at this. He had given her the little "_tracking thing_" (as he called it), earlier. When she asked him why he had it he simply told her that it was a long story and that it didn't matter now. She thought it had to do with Gold but hadn't asked more question, figuring Killian would like to forget about what happened. After all, it couldn't be easy for someone like Killian to be someone else's puppet. He was used to being in charge... She couldn't even begin to imagine how she'd feel in the same situation.

_"I love you Emma and I think I've been slowly falling in love with you from the moment I first saw you (remember, when you held the knife at my throat). You're beautiful, smart, full of light and truly magical to be around (I'm not talking of your actual magic here, love, but of that little something special that makes you a remarkable woman)."_

She chuckled at this part. She was amazed at the way he saw her and made her see herself. Of course he'd be the kind of man to remind her how special she was in his last letter. She firmly believed that every woman needed to be loved by someone like Killian at least once in their lives.

_"I've seen in your eyes that you can feel something is wrong with me lately, and I understand that saving the town from the Snow Queen's evil curse was more important than anything else, I truly do. I wish I could have found a way to warn you before it was too late but it's impossible... Rumpelstiltskin would have killed you without a second thought and I couldn't let that happen."_

He knew her well, he knew she would have guessed something was wrong with him. Now that she thought about it, he wasn't trying very hard to hide it, probably because he wanted her to find out. He had been counting on her to figure out what was wrong with him and to save him. In a way, she had failed him. If it hadn't been for Belle, Killian would be dead. She would have lost him.

_"Even if he manages to get rid of his dagger and to leave town, I got his word that he won't hurt you or anyone else in Storybrook, as long as you don't cross him. If you do cross him, because we both know that you won't let him get away with Henry and do his evil on the rest of the world, the only way you'll get to him is by using Neal, his son, against him (maybe also by threatening Belle's life, but I doubt it's your style, even I wouldn't do it now)."_

That showed how much Killian had changed. He had tried to protect the town, even if he had to die. At that last thought, Emma's eyes started to water a bit. He could have died. She could have lost him...

_"When you tried to get rid of your magic, Rumpelstiltskin was going to suck you in a magical hat that he's going to use to get what he wants: get rid of his dagger." _

That explained his relief that night. He had expected her to die and he was happy that she had survived. Just thinking back to his kiss at that moment gave her goosebumps. This kiss, and every kiss they had shared until she gave him his heart back, had had the same urge. She now realized that they had all been goodbye kisses.

_"I tried to warn you, left you messages on your talking phone but he took it, held me back, took my heart and ordered me around."_

That certainly explained why she couldn't find it anywhere. She'd have to ask Belle if she could find it in the shop or in the house. Maybe use magic to locate it.

Emma knew that Killian probably hated being forced to do Rumpelstiltskin's bidding. She couldn't even imagine how angry he must have been and how hard it was for him to hide this anger from her.

_"You need to know that I'm responsible for what happened to the fairies at Granny's. He forced me to suck them all in the hat. I truly didn't want to Emma, I swear it... I've tried to resist, to find loopholes in what he asked of me..."_

It wasn't his fault. Emma knew it and she hoped Killian knew it as well. She hoped that he wasn't torturing himself with the guilt of what someone else had him do. He hadn't had a choice.

_"When the curse of shattered sights fell over the town, I wasn't touched because he held my heart. He asked me to get your son and bring Henry to him... I managed to resist, let Henry escape when I could have caught him... I don't think I'll be able to do it this time but I'll try, for you."_

Henry had told her about that but Emma simply thought that Killian had been under the curse... She had been impressed with Henry's "Home Alone" skills. She had even chuckled when she imagined Killian tripping on the marbles and falling on his back while Henry ran past him. Emma shook her head when she realized that she hadn't even asked Killian if he was okay...

_"Everything started when I went to get my hand back..."_

Emma sighted. She should have asked him more questions when he came back with his hook instead of his hand. She should have pushed him to tell her why he had given it back. She was so concentrated on Ingrid that she had failed at being there for him like he was there for her.

_"I wanted to be whole for you, to be able to hold you with both of my hands, to be a better man for you and I told the Dark One that I knew he had given Belle a fake dagger, that if he didn't give me my hand back, I'd tell her that she had a fake and he gave it back to me, telling me that my hand still had darkness in it... It was a lie of course but I let him get to me and convince me that it was true... I got scared I would end up hurting you because of my selfish desire to have my hand back... Maybe if I had stayed away, he wouldn't have caught me but he said he needed the heart of someone who knew him before he had the dagger so maybe my fate was inevitable after all. I don't think anyone else from that time is still alive..."_

Emma felt tears starting to run down her cheeks but she didn't care. She almost lost him. Gold tried to kill Killian. She could have been crying over his dead body right now...

_"The last thing I want is to leave you Emma, you've made me a happy man. The happiest I've been in my life. You're the first woman in my entire life who made me wish for a normal, simpler life. The first to make me want to stop being a pirate and go back to the man I used to be._

_A house, kids, maybe even a dog and a white fence..."_

She could see it. The little house, with a yard big enough for the children and a dog to play in. Maybe even space to build a fort for the children... They'd be a perfect mix of the two of them. His hair and her eyes, or her hair and his eyes. It was a nice picture, something she wanted.

_"I wanted this with you and I think you did too. I could almost see it in my head..._

_I'm sorry you won't be able to get it with me, but hopefully you will get it with someone else._

_You will move on and because you're extraordinary, you will be loved again."_

Emma chuckled through her tears. So that's what he decided to do in his last letter to her? His last words would have been to ask her to move on from him?

_"I was lucky to know you and to have you in my life, even for a short while. My last thoughts will go to you and if there is a way for me to escape my fate without risking anyone else's life, I will find it. You have my word. But if it comes to me dying or you, or someone else you care about, I'll die."_

Emma closed her eyes for a minute. His love for her always unsettled and overwhelmed her. He loved her like every girl and women wanted to be loved in their lives.

_"I hope this letter will answer your questions about how and why I was killed. Maybe it will help sooth your pain." _

Emma was sure that if Killian had died, this letter would have helped her sooth her pain but now, all it did was make her sad when she thought about what almost happened.

_"Everything I own is yours now._

_I bought a small boat a few days ago and started working on it. Smee will be able to tell you where it is and help you finish the work on it. It's Henry's now. I know he'll enjoy it. **The Sailing Swan** might not be as big or as magical as the **Jolly Roger **was, but it's just as important to me, maybe even more. I was going to surprise you with it when it's finished by taking you and Henry on a little sailing trip... The two of you will have to do that without me now."_

She didn't even know he was looking to buy a boat, let alone that he did it. Maybe that's why Henry insisted that he could go meet Killian at the docks alone when they planned outings together. He wanted to make sure she wouldn't see the boat, that it would stay a surprise.

_The Sailing Swan_...

He had named it after her.

Suddenly, she couldn't wait to be on it with Killian.

_"If I have a last request to ask of you Emma, it's just this one: _

_Please don't shut yourself down again. Be open for a new love opportunity, because I know you will have others._

_I'd hate for you to stay alone and heartbroken because of me._

_Heal. Live. Love._

_I love you Emma._

_I always will._

_Killian Jones."_

Emma was now full on crying.

"Emma? What's wrong, Love?" Killian asked her as soon as he stepped through the door before he rushed to her side.

"I..." She started to say but couldn't speak.

Instead, she showed him the letter.

"I guess I forgot to throw it away... Hey, don't cry, Love. I'm fine." he said, kneeling in front of her and taking her in his arms.

"I don't want to lose you Killian. I can't." She whispered in his ear while he hugged her.

"You won't. I survived. I'm fine. This letter was just a fail safe, in case I was wrong." He told her in a soothing voice.

"I love you Killian. I know I don't say it but I do." She told him.

She didn't want him to die without knowing how she felt for him.

"I know Emma. Now come on, dry your tears. Since you've seen the letter, I might as well show you the _Sailing Swan_. It might help cheer you up." he told her with a smile and she couldn't help but smile back at him.

"Wait, what's that?" Emma asked as she pointed the the large jar Killian had just placed on the desk.

"On my way back here, I crossed Belle. She asked me to follow her and gave me my hand back. I figured maybe you'd be able to reattach it. Or maybe Regina would be willing to do it." He explained.

"It's bruised." Emma noticed.

"Yeah, about that... I'm afraid I'm the one who punched Will Scarlet the night after our date, before he broke in the library." He told her.

"Why did you?" She asked him, not angry, simply curious.

"When I got my hand back, the crocodile told me that it would bring back my darkest self because it belonged to a darker me... I didn't want to believe him but I let him get in my head... I spent the entire night afraid I'd end up hurting you with this hand..." He shook his head.

"That explains why you looked at it as if your new hand owed you money..." She chuckled.

"After I left you, I ran into Will Scarlet who was trying to break in the Library... I told him to leave, he didn't listen... I was angry at myself for letting Rumpelstiltskin get in my head, afraid he was right and I punched Will Scarlet... I honestly don't know for sure what I was thinking exactly..."

"It was late, you were scared of hurting me, angry and I know how that guy can get on someone's last nerve. Trust me, I wanted to punch him myself..." She smiled.

"That's when I went to the Dark one and asked him to take my hand back... Which he was prepared for." Killian shook his head.

"It must have been his plan from the beginning... I don't know If I can reattach your hand but let's try." Emma nodded.

"Really?"

"Of course. If I can't do it, we'll ask for Regina's help tomorrow." Emma smiled and, before she tried to do her magic, she kissed Killian.

.

Later, when Killian walked Emma back to her parent's place with his newly reattached hand firmly in hers and his letter hidden in her pockets, Emma smiled.

She didn't know how long the calm would last for but she was firmly decided in enjoying it while she could.

"You want to come in for some coffee?" She asked him.

"Sure." He nodded.

He, too, wasn't ready to let her go just yet.

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><p><strong>So, here it is. I have to say, this wasn't easy... I tried going in two different direction before taking this one...<strong>

**Review please?**

**Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!**

**Lorelei Candice Black**


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